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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29453253">I'm sorry I Wasn't Better</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sifidriveby/pseuds/Sifidriveby'>Sifidriveby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Fluff and Angst, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Slow Build, Slow Burn, jean/reader endgame, pinning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:07:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,760</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29453253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sifidriveby/pseuds/Sifidriveby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't deny the crush you had on Jean when you were younger, but you can't deny the looks he gives Mikasa when you both join the Training Corps. Life comes fast in a world like this, will Jean realize that what he has in front of him or will it be too late?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eren Yeager/Reader, Jean Kirstein/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. How it Starts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jean was once a boy who was unsure of himself, but when he met you (a child without a care about what others think) he becomes inspired.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If asked about your childhood, you couldn't say it was terrible. Not in comparison to children like Mikasa or Krista, you didn't lose your parents at a young age or face hardships of the world so early on. Perhaps your parents weren't always the best but you wouldn't dare to say you had a tragic backstory. You could say you live comfortably in Trost District. Shops, pets, and children played in the streets without care about what goes on. Your biggest worry was helping around a family-owned shop. You were sweeping just outside while customers browsed the inside when you heard a yell.</p><p>"What a mommas boy!" Maniacal laughter echoed through the alleyway. "Look he's crying! Are you gonna call for mommy?" The boys over him teased. They pushed him down as you rounded the corner. Even in the poor lighting, you could see the three boys kicking another boy to the ground.</p><p>"Hey!" You shouted, grabbing their attention. You clutched your broom as you raced down the alley. The main boy gave an eye roll looking at his friends and was prepared to insult you until smacked him across the face. The force alone was enough to knock him back. You didn't relent smacking the bully with the broom handle, hitting his arms, shoulders, even hitting him a few times in the head. He eventually crawled away and ran away from you. Calling you a lively list of profanities as he ran, his gang following closely behind. You stuck your tongue out and blow a raspberry as he disappears, then focused on the crying boy. "Hey? Are you okay? Can you stand up?" You crouched down to him, reaching out.</p><p>He sniffed and refused to grab your hand as he sat up. You gave him time to compose himself, letting him wipe away his tears, and dust himself off as he stood up. "You didn't have to help me." He grumbles.</p><p>You snort and lean against your broom, "Yeah, because you had that handled very well." You try to joke with him but he seems far less amused. You shrugged and headed back to the store without another word. He followed behind you quietly. You tried to ignore him as you go back to sweeping but he stands there helplessly lost. You sighed and talk to him again. "Are you waiting for someone?"</p><p>He looks up at you "Uh, I was supposed to meet my mom here but got caught up with... them," He pointed down the alley timidly. "So I just need to wait for her." You sighed and sit on some nearby steps, patting the spot near you. He obliged and sat down. After a moment of silence, he spoke again. "How'd you stand up to those guys so easily? You weren't afraid of them hurting you?"</p><p>You laughed and leaned back, "I dunno. I didn't really care." He seemed shocked by that answer. You continue "My family tells me not to really care about what other people think. We live such short lives why do we need to worry so much?"</p><p>The boy looked at you with a blank expression. "Uh, how old are you?"</p><p>"12."</p><p>"I'm 13 and that's a weird thing to think about."</p><p>"I don't care what you think about that." You scoff. "That's the whole point. I don't care about what other people think." The only reason you thought this way was because you had an uncle in the Scouting Regiment. On rare and few days they would stop by the shop to tell you stories about the beauty beyond the walls. But when you were supposed to be asleep you could hear the regret and sobs that left their mouth when they would talk about who they lost to your parents. </p><p>Silence fell between the two of you again for a moment. No more speaking but at times a sniffling from the boy. "Jean!" A woman eventually calls to him. You both turn towards the voice. The woman has the same hair color as the boy you saved, Jean, as you just learned. You stood up as Jean raced towards her.</p><p>"Mom!" He called out as he reached her. She embraced him in a warm hug, tightly wrapping her arms around him. Then she started to fuss over him, checking him for any marks or bruises. Jean looks back at you and saw the slight smile that played across your face. He wiggled out of his mother's arms and goes towards you. "Actually, thank you for earlier today." He out held his hand out for you. "I'm Jean, Jean Kirstein. By the way." You shake his hand and introduce yourself. Just as he was about to leave he smiles and waves at you. It wouldn't be the last time you see him.</p><p>-</p><p>It was a random day in the fall, the breeze blew gently across your back. You were returning from an errand run, as you approached the door to the store a man in a brown jacket walks away, the wings of freedom worn proudly on the back. You recognize it easily, your Uncle supported the same patch. In hopes to see him again, you rush inside. You race towards the living room where you can imagine his goofy smile, ready to tell you stories. Instead, you see your mother sob, your father rubbing her back. Looking down from her tear-stained face, she clutches a wing of freedom patch, its jagged edges showing it was cut from the jacket. </p><p>Your father reaches out to you but you back away. He calls for you but you keep stepping back until you're out the door and racing down the street. You don't know where you were running too, just taking random turns around the city until you reach the river that cuts the city. It's there where your legs finally give out from under you. You collapse onto the steps leading to the docking area. You tuck your head down trying your best to not look crazy. But someone calls your name. You somewhat recognize the voice but don't look up. They call for you again, their annoying voice forces your head up. To your surprise, it's Jean. He tilts his head at you "Uh, what are you doing here?"</p><p>You look away from him and towards the water, "I don't know. I just didn't want to be at home right now." Jean sits down next to you and says nothing. You wipe a stray tear. "Look you don't have to be here right now, okay? I'll be okay."</p><p>"You were there for me when I was alone and crying. I should do the same. Repay you, ya know?" Jean just shrugged. You looked at him, he kept looking forward but the way the sun was setting and how the light reflected off the water made him look handsome. And even though you were young, you knew a crush would develop. Instead of stopping it, you let it happen. You sat and talked to him about what had happened. He let you. Eventually, he helped you find your way back home. Since then, Jean would make an effort to visit you. He would use the excuse that his mom needed something that your family's store could provide. Eventually, even your family would recognize him. And when he turned 14 they offered him a position at the store.</p><p>You would find yourself staring at the boy through the shop window when you had the chance, or spend your time off around him if you could. You even came over to his house a few times to eat with him and his mother. Although you get sad thinking about your future. You had a desire to join the Military when the time came. You would actively try to talk to Garrison soldiers about what training was like, even though they were drunk half the time. Then Jean asked about what you planned to do in the future; you told him about your dream of joining the Military and to your surprise, he wanted to do so too. Your little heart seemed to explode in your chest, and the heavy realization set; you've grown to like this boy far too much.</p><p>A year later brings you to where you are today. You stand in a straight line with people with similar goals in mind. Joining the Military to find a better future. Instructor Keith Shadis yells at different cadets, calling them each a different version of titan food. You keep your eyes forward the entire time, only glancing at him once when he approaches Jean. Jean gives his shit-eating smile as he always does when he says he'll join the Military Police and live comfy inside the walls. Shadis responds with budding him in the head, you watch Jean fall to the grown in pain and say nothing.</p><p>You do laugh at him later on in the night. Jean rubs his head where he was hit, "Damn that Shadis. My answer was good." You sit across from him. Next to you a kid named Bertoldt and next to Jean a kid whose name passes your memory. "What's so wrong with living in the interior? Having things come easy and being the best of the best? No brainer."</p><p>"Maybe he thinks you're not 'the best of the best'." You snicker, using air quotes. "Being an MP is for scaredy cats."</p><p>Jean kicks your foot from under the table. "You say that but I know I'm more than able to get into the top ten. Hell, I'll be one of the top five. And you? You'll be in the ten too, just under me. And we'll both live comfy in Wall Sina."</p><p>You blush at the idea that Jean thinks about a future with you, but quickly hide it by looking down at the grey slop in front of you.</p><p>"Wait? you were there? You saw the Colossal Titan?" The table next to you erupted with chatter. A group was crowding over a boy named Eren, he was telling his story about the day the Titans broke through Wall Maria. In his eyes was a flame, similar to that you saw in your Scout Regiment family. You perk up to listen to the conversation, Jean notices and can't help but overhear.</p><p>"I'm joining the Scouts and sending all the Titans to Hell." Eren smiles, after thoroughly chewing his bread. Jean scoffs and this, and your attention turns back to him. </p><p>"That's a death sentence," Jean speaks up, but Eren retaliates calling anyone who joins the MP a coward. And being how he is, Jean insults Eren right back. Calling him a bigmouth pretender. Which earns him an eye roll from you because he's not that different. </p><p>"Are you trying to pick a fight?" Eren asks, he stands and his chair falls back. It's your turn to kick Jean as if to tell him to knock it off. But he ignores you and stands up too.</p><p>Jean puffs his chest as he stands, "Alright fine, makes no difference to me." They were inches away from each other and you could cut the tension in the room with a knife, but as if divine intervention the dismissal bell rings. Both boys take a step back and let out a breath. "You know what, I apologize for calling you names and mocking your choice of career. Put 'em there." He offers Eren his hand. </p><p>"Yeah, I'm sorry too." Eren smacks Jean's hand and walks away. You shake your head and puff out a chuckle as Eren walks away. You look up to talk to Jean but notice he's far more distracted. A stunning girl with black hair walks past Jean to follow Eren. You feel your heart shatter as Jean looks at her; his cheeks flush with pink and he looks like he has stars in his eye. He's never looked at you like that. Not even when you helped him in the alley a few years ago. </p><p>Jean follows after her. Which breaks you, even more, when he stutters and compliments her hair. She mutters a small thank you and continues outside. Jean still follows you like a love-struck puppy.  All you can do is watch as he follows her. Not once in the three years, you've known each other has he complimented you or stuttered around you. You curse under your breath as you get up and call in for the night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave feedback or something! Much appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. You Don't Have a Say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jean has made his crush on Mikasa clear, which crushes you. You decide to dedicate yourself to your training.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was bright and early when Shadis woke the 104th up from their somewhat peaceful slumber. Today was the start of ODM training. Every soldier was required to know how to properly balance on the gear, and to start was know how to put the damn thing on. When laid out in front of you it was a mess of leather straps and buckles, Shadis did a quick demo but left before anyone could ask questions. Some seemed to pick up on it easy, Mikasa and Annie being the first to put in on. While others seemed to struggle a bit more, Sasha and Connie seeming to not have been paying attention to what Shadis was saying at all. You were playing attention but the pace Shadis spoke made it impossible for you to have picked everything up. "Damn it." You curse under your breath as you fail to attach a loop that connects to some other part.</p><p>Eren chuckles before approaching you, Mikasa and Armin close behind him. "Here, let me help. Mikasa showed me a trick to get that part." With your consent, Eren helps slip the ODM Gear over your hips and fastens it against your thigh. "There!" He smiled, patting your back and giving you a thumbs up. </p><p>You smile and try striking a conversation with the trio. "Thanks, Eren. Mikasa, You look like you're gonna be a natural at this. And Armin, loosen up a little buddy." You do a little shake to show him and the trio smiles with you. You all put on the finishing touches and get ready to head out. But Jean calls for you.</p><p>"Hey!" He greets you, then pretends to <em>just</em> notice the trio. "Oh hey Mikasa, you look good in the gear. Actually, do you mind helping me out? I think my muscles are too big to fit the leather." He tries to flex but not much changes.</p><p>"I think if Reiner can fit in it, you can too." Is all Mikasa says pointing at the burly boy finishing up, the straps resting snugly against his frame. She turns around and walks out with Eren and Armin, you snicker at her comment and go to follow her. </p><p>Jean grabs you by the wrist and pull you back. "This is a great idea!" He exclaims whispering to you "You get close to Mikasa and that Brat, then I can interact with her more and she'll fall in love with me. You're like my wingman!" He brings his fist close to his body in celebratory action. </p><p>You laugh, but on the inside, your heart shatters even more. "Yeah, sure, whatever you want." You smack his back as hard as you can, causing him to let go of you as you walk to the training area. Walking outside you saw Mikasa line up next to Eren and you couldn't deny she was pretty. Her dark hair framed her face and complimented her complexion nicely, you made a vow to yourself to not make an enemy of her. She isn't forcing Jean to like her; in fact, she seems to not even care about him, but you can tell Jean likes her. Which eats you up inside, but you're a good enough friend to help him out.</p><p>You focus on Shadis, who quickly explains how the ODM gear suspends you in the air, balance being the key factor to the whole thing. Slowly, soldiers get hoisted up by some mechanic to hover over the ground. Mikasa seems to do it effortlessly as you watch her, her expression could even be one of boredom. Annie was no different, being still with ease. Krista seems timid as they lifted her but Ymir encouraged her, they both pass easily. Shadis calls you and Kirstein up at the same time, you give him a fist bump as you both approach your station.</p><p>Reiner is the one to help hook you up, he pats your back when he finishes, "Don't be too relaxed, you'll fall face first." He steps back as you gulp. You look out to the crowd of cadets watching, Armin gives you a double thumbs up for encouragement. You nod with determination as you look down to your feet when you feel the slack on the leather tighten. </p><p>Ever so slowly your feet lift off the ground, your body feels the tension of the gear around your limbs. You feel pretty stable, not as carefree as Mikasa was but not panicking. You look up back to the other Cadets, the faces of those who already passed are excited that you did too. Looking past them you could see the trees over the hill, the sun behind them, the freedom your Uncle would talk about. You turn to look at Jean to see him struggling a bit. He's not falling over but he's scared, twitching every once in a while to keep your balance. When he finally looks up from his feet and towards you, you flash him a shit-eating grin "Best of the best." </p><p>You eventually get lowered and return to the other Cadets, Shadis calls up Jeager right after. "You got this Eren, it's a piece of cake!" He smiles as Thomas hooks him up. Eren holds a certain spark in his eyes like he can already see himself killing hundreds of titans. That he is truly becoming a real soldier. He gets hoisted in the air and for a second he holds the biggest smile; until he came rushing down headfirst. </p><p>"Eren!" Mikasa rushes to him. Thomas unhooks the disoriented boy as Armin helps him up. Shadis scoffs, almost laughs at Erens' fall before instructing to take him to medical. It's later in the night when you finally see him again, a bandaid wrapped tightly around his head. He sits next to Mikasa in a distant stare. </p><p>Jean chuckles from his spot next to you, "Look at him. Just yesterday he was going on about killing titans and he can't even stay upright on the gear. Some big shot he is."</p><p>"Well, you looked like you were having some trouble too." You shrug taking a bite of your bread. "Maybe he just needs more practice? You definitely need some." </p><p>Jean shoots you a look and ignores what you say, he just keeps looking back at Mikasa. You try to suppress the pain in your gut by talking to Marco who sits across from you. Eventually, Eren comes up to your table, and like a dog with its tail tucked between their legs he asks Connie and Jean for advice. Connie tilts his head, mentioning something about what Eren said the other day if you weren't cut to be a soldier to just go home. Jean makes fun of him too as he leaves frustrated at the pair. </p><p>"Really guys? He's a comrade," You pushing your chair back to follow him. You chase Eren outside the Mess hall, "Eren, hold on." He stops and looks back at you. You sigh, the cold air revealing your breath. "Jeans a dick sometimes, I know." Eren scoffs in agreement. "I'll help you with the ODM gear, I'll talk to Reiner with you too. He and Annie look like naturals at this stuff. You got this okay?" You shove his shoulder playfully. "Meet me here in like an hour, okay?" He nods and returns back to the barracks. </p><p>Puffing a smile, you turn on your heels and race back to the mess hall. Jean watches you jog back in, "Hey, where did you go?" he asks as you pass his table. He's taken back as you ignore him and go straight to Reiner and Bertolt who sit in the back. He watches you sit across from the pair and talk to them. Although it bothers him that he can't hear what you're saying, but the nod and smile Reiner gives you makes him uneasy. "What are you up to?" He mumbles to himself. </p><p>"Maybe she's trying to get them to help Eren too?" Marco speaks up. "That would be nice, they'll train together." </p><p>Jean looks at Marco and squints at him. "She shouldn't help that brat. She should focus on herself."</p><p>"Well, training with Reiner and Bert isn't a bad idea, ya know? They're both pretty strong and this stuff comes like second nature to them. Maybe you should talk to them too." Connie snickers, Jean kicks him under the table then looks back at you. You laugh with the duo before getting up, waving at them, and leaving. Not even taking a look at Jean. </p><p>It's later in the night when you meet up with Reiner, Bertolt, Armin, and Eren. On the walk, Reiner strikes a conversation about being soldiers, what they are working for. "I want to get back home, Betholt and I. I will do whatever it takes to get back home. Reclaim our land." </p><p>"What about you Eren?" Betholt asks the boy. Eren goes into detail about the titans he saw on that fateful day. The ones that ate his mother and his hate for them, how he vows to slaughter every single one of them. "and you?" The group focuses their attention on you.</p><p>"My Uncle," You started. "He was apart of the Scouts. He would tell me stories of the land beyond the walls. The beauty the world had to offer me." The group stops on a clifts edge, beyond was a lake that reflected the moon in its glory. "I joined for my freedom beyond the walls." </p><p>You kept looking at the water, but Eren looked at you, your features highlighted by the moon. <em>Freedom</em>, he thought about that idea. The word bounced around his head before looking up at Reiner, who looked back at you guys and agreed to extra training. </p><p>Like clockwork, the 104th woke up bright and early. After morning announcements there was a dismissal for breakfast, Jean walks into the Mess hall with Marco and Connie trailing after him, he quickly scans the room to spot you sitting next to Reiner and across from Eren. He tsked and grabbed his food, a mess of grey slop they call oats, bread, and a cheap thick tea. He picks at it, paying more attention to you and <em>that</em> group. You seemed to be enjoying yourself, laughing, and playfully hitting the boys around you. He could hear bits and parts of the conversation, inside jokes and memories before joining the military. Wanting to distract himself, he glances around the room. Thomas and Mina, Ymir and Kirsta all sit in their little groups. His eyes land on Mikasa and Sasha sitting together, she looks distracted too but is half paying mind to Sasha who talks and asks for her food.</p><p>"What about you, Jean?" Marco asks, bringing him back to his own table. Connie rolls his eyes due to Jean being an airhead. "I know you want to join the MP but what for again?"</p><p>Jean scoffs and sits up straight, "Um it's quite obvious really. Who wouldn't want an easy life in the walls protecting the king? Never in a real life or death situation, and it's far from family. Like come on, plus they only take the best, and that me without a second thought." He puffs his chest, "plus me and her." He points at you from across the room, "We planned on joining the Military and being MPs since we were kids." </p><p>Connie raises an eyebrow as he looks at you, "Um are you sure because she's hanging out with future Scouts over there." </p><p>Jean looks back at you as you throw your head back in laughter, your hand griping at Reiners' shoulder for support. Jean only scoffs and assures them that you two had already made up your mind. </p><p>Later in the day, after warm-ups and training drills it was time to back into the ODM gear and practice some more. You just finished tightening a strap-like Eren had shown you the day before-when Jean approached you. "Hey," He greets you, "Can we talk real quick?" He pulls you away from the rest of the cadets. </p><p>You shake your head "Yeah, I know. I'm getting closer to Eren so I can get to know Mikasa then you can get her. I'm being your wingman, I remember."</p><p>"What? oh yeah, perfect. Keep that up but that's not the only thing I want to talk about. Are you still trying to be top 10?"</p><p>You blink, taken back at the question. "Yeah, uh, of course. I'm set on being better and the position above you, dumbass." Which was the truth, you were determined to be in the top 10 to gain recognization from the Scouts. </p><p>"Oh good, good. Just making sure you're not slacking off." He laughs awkwardly, crossing his arms. You nod and give him a worried smile, punching his shoulder and you walk back outside. </p><p>Just like the first day, groups of cadets went to be tested. Those who passed with ease the first time didn't need to do it again, people like yourself who felt unsure about their skills went and gave it another shot. During this second attempt, took a deep breath and look up at the crowd. Reiner gives you a thumbs up and wink as you're gently lifted into the air. Unlike your first go, this time floating above ground felt natural and easy. The straps snug against your limbs, but you felt the support they provided and you stood still. You smile brightly as they lower you again.</p><p>Then, those who didn't pass had one last shot. Eren looks at you as he gets hooked up, your word from the previous night still bouncing in his head. <em>Freedom</em>. Slowly He gets lifted off the ground. He struggles at first, but it able to keep straight for much longer than he did the other day. He never looks away from you, you give him a smile that hides your eyes, but it vanishes quickly and he comes crashing down again. "Eren!" Mikasa calls for him again, but Armin stops her.</p><p>Shadis stares down at Eren before looking back at you, "(Y/L/N), switched belts with Jeager." You do as your told, taking off your belt and carefully replacing Erens. You stand back in line after handing the belt to Shadis and watch Eren retry. </p><p>You watch with eager eyes as Eren gets lifted up again, and of course this time he keeps his balance perfectly. You cheer high-fiving Reiner, hearing Shadis explain that Jeager had a broken belt that stopped him from performing well. Eren stares at Mikasa, the smile of determination written across his face. "Yes! Look how happy he is to be a soldier!" </p><p>Mikasa looks at him with awe, "He's relieved, because now he won't have to be separated from me." </p><p>You look at her, her face is completely smitten with the boy. You know that they had known each other since they were kids, like you and Jean. You used to look at Jean like that too, and just like Eren, Jean didn't care. Your fist clenches; you couldn't go back with Jean for he was too attached to Mikasa, and you couldn't have Eren because you would dare to take him away from Mikasa. You think back to your Uncle, the stories he told you of the outside. He was never held back by others, your mother failed countless times to stop him from going back to the Scouts, but each time he left he never looked back. </p><p>You would be no different. You promised to throw yourself into your work, to become Humanities best, like the heroes your uncle would talk about. You would rise to the top of the ranks to reach the freedom he talked about so much. </p><p>"You can't do that!" Jean interprets your tangent at dinner. "You can't join the scouts, are you stupid or something?"</p><p>You're taken back at his response, you were hoping your friend would have been the most supportive, "What? You're joking, right? You knew my Uncle was a scout."</p><p>"Yeah, and He died.  I was there when you mourned him. You'd think that would stop you from wanting to be one."</p><p>Your mouth drops open, Marco and Connie whip to look at Jean wide-eyed "Really, Kirstein?" Your tone drips with venom as his last name leaves your mouth. "My uncle was a good man and a better soldier. Better than you could ever dream of being. I'm joining the scouts, and you can't stop me."</p><p>"What about <em>our </em>plans? You and I were gonna join the MP and move away from our family, live comfy lives. We already made plans." Jeans eyes dart around the room, your anger overpowering him.</p><p>"Jean, not once when we were kids did you actually ask me what I wanted to do." You stood up quickly, your chair scraping across the floor in an ugly noise. "You only planned what you wanted and just hoped I would follow you. I'm not doing that, and you have no say; No right to control what I do with my future." You spit, turning on your heels to leave the mess hall. </p><p>Jean attempts to get up but Connie stops him, shaking his head no.</p><p>Later, in the barracks, you feel gross; fearing you were too mean to your longtime friend. The idea of apologizing hurting your head. You groan and toss your face into the pillow. The door to the room opens buts you still refuse to look up, not even doing so when you feel your bed dip as someone sits on it. The person just sits there for a long time, not talking or touching you, but it's comforting.</p><p>It takes a while for them to say anything, "I'll help you." Annie finally speaks up. You look up at her, sniffling. "I'll help you become a better soldier." She never looks at you as she speaks, keeping her gaze forward. </p><p>You finally sit up, "I should apologize-"</p><p>"No," You get cut off by another voice, "The one thing we don't do is apologize to boys," Ymir speaks up from the doorway. Krista stands in front of her, holding a small gift for you. </p><p>"Uh, I noticed you didn't get to finish eating before you left so I brought some food for you," Krista speaks quietly, holding out a small piece of bread and a cup.</p><p>You look up at the girls around you. While Annie and Ymir don't look friendly their auras tell a different story. Krista was always a kind soul, looking out for others as much as she can. You wipe your eyes and smile, you were determined to become the best soldier and with the people willing to help, you don't doubt yourself. </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Try, Try, Try Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ymir, Annie, and Krista have taken it upon themselves to help you become a good soldier, but your spirits falter when people like Mikasa do something you struggle with so naturally.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Get up." Annie looks down at you. This was the 10th time she's knocked you down to the floor, every part of your body ached. You stared up at her, her face blocking the sun from your eyes, "Do it again." </p><p>You groan and sit up as she walks back to her starting position. Today was hand-to-hand combat training and the blonde was relentless. For the past hour, she has been knocking you down and teaching you how she did it. She made it simple; where to put your foot and when to move your momentum, but she refused to let you knock her down. Your hands are red from the countless times trying to block Annie as she swings at you, your pants dirty from her kicks and falls. You stand up and look around, most others were just screwing around, not even pretending to try. "Why can't we take a break?" You ask, but still, put your fist up in defense. </p><p>"Because if you were actually being attacked, they wouldn't stop if you were tired." She puts her fist up and readies to charge towards you. You doge her first jab, her hand barely passing by the left side of your face. "In fact," she continued "They would keep going until you were just a mess of blood on the floor." She throws another first towards you, you push it away with your hand. "They don't care if you're a soldier or a civilian. They won't stop." She ducks as you try swinging at her, then sideswipes your legs, causing you to fall on your back again. You hit the floor with a thud and a groan. When you open your eyes, you see her offering a hand in front of you; you take it and she helps you stand up. "But you're getting better." </p><p>You huff, and get in a ready stance again; getting prepared to get your ass handed to you again. Instead, Annie just walks away. "Hey!" You call out to her, "Are we done for today?" </p><p>She glances over her shoulder. "I am, if you want to keep training watch Reiner and Eren. I'm leaving." When she looks back in front of her, she sees the pair she's talking about standing in her way. They challenge her to a fight and both end up with their head between their knees. </p><p>You can't help but giggle as you help them up, both have a light pink spreading across their face as they dust themselves off. "Do you mind if I train with you guys for a bit?"</p><p>Reiner groans and rolls his shoulder, successfully popping it. "Sure, fight Eren and I'll give you some pointers."</p><p>"Why must you always put <em>me</em> on the line?" Eren looks at the burly man with cold eyes. You chuckle and put your fist up, bringing the attention back to you. </p><p>"Don't worry Eren," You smile, "If anything we're evenly matched."</p><p>Jean watches from the distance as your throw punches at Eren, he doges them but Jean wishes he didn't so he could see you knock the brat on his ass. It's a back and forth between the two of you; you step forward to throw a punch and he steps back, then vise versa. You two locked in tango, you both get a few light hits on each other but not enough to knock the other down. In fact, with the smile on your face, Jean would dare to say you were enjoying it. The grin on Erens face makes his stomach churn. </p><p>"You okay, buddy?" Marco asks, standing across from Jean. He can see his long-faced counterpart is distracted, he follows Jeans' line of vision to see what plays out between you and Eren. Eren finally got a good hit on you causing you to fall back but the boy catches you before you fall. Looking back at his friend, Marco could see the steam coming out of Jeans' ear. </p><p>Jean looks away, pretending to be interested in what everyone was doing. Sasha and Connie were 100% not doing as instructed, Ymir was flirting with Krista more than training, and Mikasa was walking away from her partner when Jean saw her. "Hey, Mikasa." He calls out to her. "Mind helping me train for a bit?" </p><p>Mikasa takes one glance at him, then looks over towards you and Eren. "No." She turns and walks away. </p><p>Later, at dinner, you sat with Erens' group; conversing about the training. "You have one hell of a punch." He compliments.</p><p>You laugh and kiss your fist, "You're not too bad yourself Jeager. You have a fighting spirit." Chatter continues throughout the night until one of the captains comes into the mess hall.</p><p>"Mail Call!" He announces as he calls names. Connie gets a letter, so do Sasha, Marco, and Jean; to your surprise, he calls your name too. </p><p>You grab the hefty letter and sit back with Eren. They watch as you pull the letter out of its sleeve, <em>To our daughter</em>, it read:</p><p>                    <em>It has come to our attention you have decided to follow your foolish Unlces' footsteps and join the Scout Regiments. This news heavily burdens our hearts and hurts your mother. Her brother was a good man, he would help take care of you before joining the military, but he was selfish. He played with his life like a game without regard to how it affected his family. We cannot with good conscience allow you to be the same; we beg you to join the Military Police with Jean or at the very least the Garrison. </em></p><p>The letter went on about their fear of your safety; reaching into the sleeve that carried the letter, your hand comes across a fabric. You pull the bunched-up patch from its place and run your thumb against its embroidery. The memories of your uncle pound against your head: sitting across from him wide-eyed as he told his stories, nicknacks he would bring back from missions, the soldier that gave your family the news of his passing.</p><p>Eren notices your expression becomes sour, your usually soft features turn rigid and bitter. He watches you grip the cloth in a vice as you stand up and stomp your way to Jean. He watches you try to quietly yell at the horse-faced boy; knowing Jean has done something to upset you makes Eren's blood boil. He didn't even realize his hands were in a fist until Armin calls his attention.</p><p>At Jean's table, it took everything in your power to keep it cool. "You told my parents?" The corner of your lip twitches as you look at him in a crazed daze. </p><p>"Uh, yeah? You were talking crazy about joining the Scouts. I thought your parents should know about your decision." Jean crosses his arms and legs as he talks, he feels accomplished, as if he's done what he's supposed to. </p><p>You scoff, "I would still join the Scouts even if the King asked me to be his personal Guard. Nothing -I mean <em>nothing</em>- would make me change my mind, Jean." You give him no chance to retaliate as you get up and walk out the mess hall. Both Eren and Jean had the urge to follow you; Jean wanted to keep this discussion going in hopes to change your mind, Eren wanted to comfort you and tell you that joining the scouts is a noble cause. Neither of the boys moved. </p><p>Eventually, Eren couldn't help but hear Jean run his mouth about the Scouts. All Jean wanted was to live a comfy life within the walls, Eren could help but let his anger get the better of him. Jean's childhood friend was you and he seemed to not care about what it meant to be a scout. Eren couldn't even comprehend how you two had gotten along. 'To play the system' is what triggered Eren to stand up. Jean stands up too. "You know she's right," Eren refers to you as he speaks "Being a Scout is for a real brave soldier. You would just piss your pants if you ever came face to face with a Titan. Live in the interior like the coward you are." </p><p>"Eren that's enough." Mikasa steps between the two boys.  They take a step back but Eren never takes his eyes off Jean, but Jean notices as Mikasa takes Erens hand to put it by his side. Without a second thought, Jean pushes Eren against the wall. Jean was ready to fight for Mikasa, and for Eren, the moment he was pushed against the wall the fight was for you. Eren looks at Reiner and Annie, then at the spot you had been sitting next to him before you left. He thinks back to the training earlier that day, what you had used to knock him down, something he saw Annie use on you. In a flash, Jean was falling to the floor. Reiner looked smug, Annie was shocked, and Eren was beaming on the inside. Though that was cut short by Shadis entering the mess hall. Dinner ended shortly after that.</p><p>In the barracks you sat on your bed; in one hand the letter your parents had written, in the other was the Wings of Freedom. Your thumb rubbed against the fabric, the switching was worn, loose threads threaten to come off, the color almost faded. You placed the items down as Ymir entered the room. She tried to ignore your sulking but your aura and annoying deep sigh made her glance at you. "What happened now? Do I need to beat up Jean?"</p><p>You let a breathy chuckle out "Not yet. It's more of a family thing... And a bit of Jean." Ymir sits on her bed across from you and silently encourages you to continue. "Jean told my family that I was joining the Scouts. They sent me a letter about how I was selfish to do so, and they sent me my late uncles patch to guilt me. Now I'm not sure what to do. I want to listen to my family but it feels wrong."</p><p>"Screw 'em." Ymir shrugs crossing her arms. Your eyes shoot up to hers.  She continues, "It's your life at the end of the day. Why would you let them tell you how to live? If you want to die alone in a forest while on a scouting mission do it." </p><p>"I thought this was supposed to be comforting, not morbid."</p><p>"I mean, that's the reality of it, hon." She leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "You're gonna die. Do want to die feeling unfulfilled? Not reaching your dreams and always letting people control your actions? No. Not me at least," She stands and moves to sit next to you. "I'm going to make my own decisions and live without regret because that's what I deserve. Don't base your life around Jean, you have a different dream than him and there's nothing more to say." She pats you on your back and leaves. </p><p>You're left alone in the Barrack again, standing up you walk to the window that split the wall between the two bunks. Pushing it open you thrust your head out and stare at the moon. You remember being a child and thinking like that, that it mattered not what others thought about you; the only person that mattered in your story was you. Then Jean came into the picture and ruined it. For the longest time, you want to believe you had a future with him, but you just ended up losing your values. "Boys suck."</p><p>The next morning comes with news, "Congratulations!" Shadis begins his announcement "You can all successfully stand upright on the ODM Gear. BUT it takes more than that to be a good soldier! Today we will be going over the mechanics of each trigger and swinging around like the goddamn monkeys you are!" And so starts odm training again.</p><p>You're given a quick brief about each trigger, one to launch your hook and dislodge, one to control gas pressure, and one to glide on the wire. You stare up into a canyon in front of you. Cadets have been separated into groups to maneuver through the rocky ledges. "On our mark!" Shadis announced, pointing his flare gun to the sky. You gulp and ready yourself, pointing your hips in the direction you want to go. Without warning the green flare shoots to the sky, within a second you're sent flying forward. "CONTROL YOUR GAS OUTPUT, (Y/L/N)," Shadis yells at you.</p><p>You groan at the force that pulls at your hips. <em>Latch, gas, detach</em> You think over and over as you make your way through the canyon. Your middle and pointer finger light press down on the gas, and with your anchor attached to a rock on your left send you soaring that way. It takes a while to get going, but once you get the hang of it you enjoy it. You soar past the other cadets, passing Daz and Mina as they turn another corner. You laugh as you breeze past Shadis waiting at the end. The other group goes. This continues until Shadis takes every cadet to the adjacent forest. He instructs everyone to keep a tight formation around him as he travels the forest on horseback. It was simple enough, Shadis gave himself a head start. </p><p>"You look like a natural out there." Eren smiles walking next to you. Everyone was waiting for the signal flare so chatting began shortly after the commandant left. "It's fun isn't it?"</p><p>You nod looking down at the triggers in your hand. "Once you get the hang of it, it's not scary. I can definitely see myself outside the walls with these bad boys."</p><p>Mikasa approaches you two but before she could get a word in the flare is spotted. You wink towards Eren before zipping away. She looks at him to speak but he gives her the 'not now Mikasa' look before leaving too. She could feel her blood pressure rise but wasn't sure why. She releases her anger by narrowly dodging trees as she made her way in front of everyone. You laugh with Eren as you two dance around each other in the gear; when he passed your left you would get in front of him and force him to your right. That back and forth didn't go unnoticed, Mikasa forces herself between the two of you. It had caught you by surprise, you're quick to shoot your hook further away to make room for her, but by trying not to hit the black-haired girl you fail to notice you're latched to a flimsy branch.</p><p>They surpass you on their next swing, but before you could catch up the branch holding you finally snaps. You began hurtling towards the ground, right before you hit the earth a force catches you in their arms. "You gotta be more careful. I'm not always gonna be there to save you, Darling." Reiner laughs as he sets you down on a thick sturdy branch.</p><p>Bertholdt lands on your other side, "(y/n), are you okay? I saw what happened?" You finally notice Reiners strong arm wrapped around your waist and nod as you pry yourself away from him. "Check your gear, make sure everything still works."</p><p>You quickly tap on the gas canister and check the triggers "Yeah, we're good. Thank you guys I owe you." </p><p>Reiner smiles, "we'll take you up on that. Don't let us down." He hooks onto a tree a few meters ahead "Let's get going before Shadis thinks we're slacking." </p><p>The three of you eventually catch up to the group, easily overtaking everyone else but Mikasa. But Reiner encourages you to show off, doing a flip or two in the air. Eventually, the training ends and Shadis announces the top scores. "Now, I will announce the Top 5 in ODM Gear movement, (Y/L/N), Kirstein, Leonhart, Braun, Akerman. Congrats, You just might not end up as titan food." </p><p>Night falls and the day comes again. More months pass and eventually, ODM training becomes easy like second nature to you. You excel past Jean and Annie, and if asked Shadis would say you and Reiner could be evenly matched. But Mikasa continued to stay well above the rest, without even trying. You respected her for it, but it made you feel like your hard work was in vain. </p><p>ODM training continues yearly, but horseback riding and studies finished late summer. It was near winter when you wake up earlier than anyone else in your barrack to sneak to the training ground. Grey cloud hangs overhead as you run laps around camp. The past year has been pleasant, making memories with new friends, recalling during horse riding Sahsa comparing Jean to one of the animals, or how Connie constantly fell. You remember Jean telling Mikasa to ride him instead of the horse, it hurt then and hurts still as you think about it. You run faster choosing to ignore that feeling. Your feet ache as your stomp on the dirt, your heart feels heavy with jealously, your feel emotions you wish you could just get rid of. You force yourself to run faster. </p><p>Then you feel it, a drop of water landing perfectly on your head. Then another, and another until the rain starts coming at a constant pace. You groan and race to your barrack. The other girls waking up as you enter. Krista stretches as she sits up in her bunk above yours (Ymir begged you to change bunks with her but you refused in fear of Shadis finding out), the girls' golden locks falling perfectly as she looks at you. "Oh, it's the first rain of the season!" You smile at her excitement, she always lifted your mood.</p><p>But mood falters with a backpack full of survival gear and your ODM strapped to you as you run in the mud. Rain turned heavy as it beats down on you relentlessly, painful breaths fill your lungs as you run a 6-mile trek Shadis planed, and of course, Mikasa doing so without a care in the world. The mud squelched beneath your feet as you ran to catch up to her. You were so envious of her. Mikasa didn't even notice you struggling to keep up to her pace, her only idea in mind was being enough to be able to protect Eren where ever he wants to go. You just wanted to be <em>her</em>. Shadis announces the top 5 again. Mikasa of course right on top, you placed under her. Again.</p><p>Dinner was quiet, everyone was too tired to even speak. But Eren tried, he tried to make conversation with <em>you.</em> Which made Mikasa envious of you. How could you keep his attention so easily? Dinner was dismissed and everyone went back to the barracks. Before Mikasa could enter her you grab her hand. She looks at you unamused, but her expression changes as you bow at her. "Please train me to be as effortless as you make things."</p><p>Mikasa blinks down at you. "Is it for Eren?" </p><p>You look up at her confused. "Um, no. I just want to be a top soldier." </p><p>"Oh, well, Do you like Eren?"</p><p>"I mean, yeah. He's a good guy?"</p><p>"No. I mean do you <em>like</em> him?"</p><p>You blink and feel the heat pooling in your face. "Well, I mean he's a good-looking guy." You could not deny the fact you've seen the way he looks at you, how he wants to train with you all the time, or how his green/blue eyes hold light too handsomely. "Yes." You look down in shame. "I like him."</p><p>Mikasa pulls her scarf to cover her nose. Eren means the world to her, and she's not dumb. She knows he likes you too. "I'll help train you too then." You look at her wide-eyed, you expected her to punch you in the face, truth be told. "I want you to be able to protect him. Keep him safe because he doesn't want me to." </p><p>"He cares too you know." You tilt your head, watching a blush appeared on Mikasas face as she looks up at you. "The way he fusses about you eating and taking care of yourself, he cares about you." </p><p>Mikasa fully turns on her heels, the blush engulfing her whole face. "When we're training, stay as close as possible to me."</p><p>Jean wakes up and walks to the mess hall the next morning with Connie, Sasha, and Marco. Their idle chat was nothing to notice until Sasha speaks up. "I'm surprised you're not as upset about this," Sasha says as she stretches, yawning.</p><p>"Why would I be upset?" Jean asks, taken back by her statement. </p><p>"Are you blind? Eren has your crush and your best friend wrapped around his finger." Connie points at Eren. You're on his left side while Mikasa is on his right. The three of you in heavy conversation</p><p>"Leave Jean alone, guys. He should focus on training." Marco pats Jeans' shoulder as he walks into the mess hall, leaving jean stunned standing outside. </p>
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